this is my journal. this is where i keep my "innermost thoughts" you might say.
06/16/2020
how do i even explain how my brain functions? i dont get my brain. i dont think anyone does. its nonsensical. its like all my thoughts are scattering and blending together constantly. a mix of absolute violence and apathy, along with empathy and the want to help the people around me. it makes me feel dizzy, my head feels like its constantly spinning. i cant explain it myself. i really dont think my 15 year old brain knows enough to grasp what my thoughts mean about who i am. ive grown into my place, of faking emotions and telling lies. it doesnt affect me anymore. i dont feel bad about it anymore. not all my emotions are ingenuine, though a lot of poisonous thoughts and feelings are bubbling up inside. theyve made their home here, in my mind. its been years since ive been without this inconsistent hatred for humanity. i have friends. i lie to my friends. i avoid them. theres only one person i never lie to... most of the time. i fake laughs and smiles. even if i dont care for what a person has to say. when other people around me cry i get annoyed. i believe that most people have put themself in a place that causes them to suffer. i dont feel bad if its their fault. im delusional. not beyond knowing that i am... but im still a bit delusional. i think that the god on our earth is fear. he comes to me in dreams. im a prophet, he tells me. sometimes i believe it. other times i know better.
06/19/2020 (2:00 AM)
im so scared of everyone. it feels awful. i dont wanna forgive. i dont wanna forget. ill leave myself in a place where i cant get hurt again. i dont wanna get hurt again. i can pretend i like the people who hurt me, if its necessary. i will force a smile, a laugh. i seem genuine even if i despise them, even if im burning up inside just being near them. all people do is take from me. they make me relive my trauma and then expect me to forgive them, even if they never even apologise. i dont feel bad for it. they made me hate them. its not my fault i can't forgive them. im not an IDIOT. i dont wanna be MANIPULATED like i was before. never trust anyone. expect the worst of people, and you can NEVER be let down by ANYONE.
3:00 AM
i miss my cousin. i keep listening to "someone, somewhere, somehow" by super whatevr and it makes me think about her. she was so young, i didnt appreciate her like i shouldve. she was a constant thing and i expected it to stay that way. i still find it so hard to accept that shes gone. it still feels fake, even though i saw her dead body right in front of me. i saw her, dead, and i still cant believe it. all the days are blurring together. that memory of her body doesnt feel like its my memory anymore. maybe it wasnt, it was just a dream, it was just a delusion. i never was there. i never saw her dead. but i did, i ask my family over and over and shes still gone. she isnt back. she wont come back. i cant go back in time no matter how hard i scratch my face, no matter how hard i cry, no matter how hard i push my hands against my face. i try to take out this feeling somewhere else, stratching, squeezing, pulling, and pushing on parts of my body as hard as i can until my hands give out from the effort. it doesnt change anything. i wish if i jsut tried hard enough she'd come back for one more day so i could tell her how much i love her. how much i need her. i want her back just for one day, just for an hour even. just for a minute, a minute that i get to talk to her. shes not coming back and i cant do anything about it.